Welcome, Client.

At LAST. Someone with sense. Your payment has been confirmed. My clerks must now attend to a letter for with your Client privileges.

It contains one regrettably necessary inquiry. My staff insisted. I was outvoted by people I pay.

With the utmost discretion,

Your patronage has been recorded.

You are one of US now. Your payment has been confirmed. My clerks must now attend to a letter for , on stationery befitting the occasion. There is gold on it. REAL gold, to the extent your screen permits.

You receive every Client privilege. More importantly, the lights stay on because YOU permitted it. I shall write again, privately, when your judgment is required.

With the utmost gratitude,

A Brief Review of Client Privileges

A regrettably necessary inquiry from the office of Lord Featherbottom

My office has recently been subjected to the rather vulgar suggestion that we determine which client privileges are, in fact, valued by clients.

I initially objected.

An institution of any seriousness should know what people require without constantly asking them. This is why we have committees.

Nevertheless, certain members of staff have become alarmingly interested in “data,” and I have agreed to permit this brief inquiry.

Please answer candidly. Your individual responses will not be attributed to you, unless they are unusually flattering.