Welcome, Client.

Your retainer has been recorded, and the office has admitted you to Client circulation. A letter confirming your privileges has been dispatched to .

It contains one regrettably necessary inquiry. Do attend to it at your convenience.

With the utmost discretion,

Your patronage has been recorded.

The office thanks you for assuming a disproportionate share of the burden of maintaining civilization. A letter has been dispatched to , on stationery befitting the occasion.

You receive every Client privilege. More importantly, the lights remain on because you have permitted them to do so. I shall write again, privately, when your judgment is required.

With the utmost gratitude,

A Brief Review of Client Privileges

A regrettably necessary inquiry from the office of Lord Featherbottom

My office has recently been subjected to the rather vulgar suggestion that we determine which client privileges are, in fact, valued by clients.

I initially objected.

An institution of any seriousness should know what people require without constantly asking them. This is why we have committees.

Nevertheless, certain members of staff have become alarmingly interested in “data,” and I have agreed to permit this brief inquiry.

Please answer candidly. Your individual responses will not be attributed to you, unless they are unusually flattering.