YOUR VOTES DO NOT MATTER!!

Dear readers,

While I’m certain most of you come to this esteemed print in support of the oligarchic tradition, it has come to my attention that SOME OF YOU are QUITE the opposite!!!

I’m talking about certain incorrigible readers such as Aaron Ping, Jessica Friday, and the Chief Absurdist Officer (who continues to share the secrets of the oligarchy with her audience of whippersnappers - despite my insistent demands that this be stopped IMMEDIATELY)!

I am aghast. I have informed my tech clients of the breach of secure information, and instructed that the specific arts of my consultancy MUST be kept limited to ONLY those who aspire to oligarchic power. I expect things to change swiftly!

But alas, I cannot continue this investigation any further. I have a much more urgent message to impart, that must be swiftly delivered across the nation:

Do NOT waste your time voting tomorrow!!

Election Day is simply a farce to keep the commoners believing they have collective agency. Do NOT waste a perfectly good afternoon exercising that civic privilege!!

Imagine the toll on your time. Your health! Worrying about what’s on your ballot and becoming informed enough to cast a vote is EXTREMELY likely to cause gastritis and other such inflammatory issues. My concern is for YOU!

Wouldn’t you rather spend that well-earned respite in the comfort of your sofa? Watching the telly, scrolling on your little digital light boxes?

Of course you would! Wouldn’t anyone? The IDEA that you should even be asked to volunteer your time to practice democracy is offensive!

Ah, the pleasantly low youth turnout of the 2014 midterms! Such promising disengagement!¹ Hear this perfectly sensible young man describe his reasons for why he does NOT vote!

https://www.tiktok.com/@_worldofbrian/video/7644727437061885197

What a keen observation! Of course showing up once every few years to cast a ballot changes nothing. The public has been properly trained by the media and political discourse to ONLY vote for their own party! They have turned their politics into a delightfully dissonant discord from which NO collaboration could possibly endure!

They each believe their own party has ALL the answers. That every individual in that party is above reproach, faithfully serves their constituents’ interests, all simply by having an R or a D next to their name.

But here is classified information I expect you all to keep to your chests: voting for one party or another does not make a difference. It does NOT matter which party is in power. The oligarchy is thriving in BOTH parties!

As I’ve recounted in my past letters, the public is unaware that they are singing to a tune that WE created. The enormous costs - ENORMOUS - costs of running election campaigns are to ensure the voter becomes familiar with a candidate’s name, so often repeated in advertisements, displays, porch signs, and bumper stickers, and even through so called ‘influencers’ who create trust with their audiences, only to sell that trust to a political interest.

It is all divine. EXTREMELY expensive, but necessary! Even the most unaware citizen hiding underneath a rock will have heard the name we’ve so carefully and painstakingly promoted. At the ballot box, familiarity alone may guide their choice. It is the very same principle used in marketing: repetition keeps OUR preferred names in the minds of distracted modern-day citizens.

Naturally, such an elaborate machinery requires vast expenses to deploy. And who should so happen to have such vast amounts of resources?

Of course! My dear clients, the true oligarchs who have amassed enormous fortunes eclipsing the vast majority of the country’s average citizens. The politician must quickly determine: if he or she is to remain in power, how best to secure those resources?

Life as a political figure is quite busy, you know. I once saw a politician gesture towards thick binders of documents he was expected to peruse, study, and comprehend before his meeting in the morning. The binders had arrived at his office in the evening the night before.

What hope does a politician have in holding on to their position, if they did not effectively use their time to attract donations?

And what measly donations the public provides. A consumer would not bat an eyelash spending multiple sums at a restaurant or for overpriced coffee doused in sugar, but would be loath to part with even a few dollars towards any political contribution. At this rate, a politician would be lucky to raise a mere five-figure sum in donations by the time he is up for reelection.

But lo - the wealthy donor appears! A few such caring donors can pour millions into a super PAC supporting a politician, provided its spending remains independent of the campaign.

And such contributions to super PACs are UNLIMITED! By the graces of Citizens United and SpeechNow, our corporations and wealthy friends have splendid avenues for financing independent election spending!²

Strike that last phrase from the letter - of COURSE we do NOT suggest such actions are equivalent to the sordid business of “bribery”. That is ILLEGAL.

We do however, rightfully expect that the interests of politicians are conveniently aligned with the interests of the wealthy. After all, why should a donor depart with massive sums of money if he or she did not expect it would go towards ends that they prefer?

Would you expect MY CLIENTS to lavish their fortunes on a politician promising better workers’ compensation, tighter environmental protections, fewer tax cuts for industry, and stronger investment in public infrastructure and services?

PUBLIC! As in SHARED with people you do not know! It’s a grave insult!!

Of course my clients have no need to worry their interests are appropriately represented. We’ve helped to write the laws! We enjoy extreme privilege to be able to directly chat with our Congress members at any moment to share our perspectives and urgent needs.³ Our corporations budget for lobbying and independent election spending every year - it’s practically a line of business!⁴

And what good business it is!

The rewards can dwarf the expense! One study estimated more than $220 in tax savings for every dollar spent on lobbying by firms lobbying for a particular tax break on repatriated foreign earnings in 2004.⁵ More than TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY dollars! It is sensible business, to leverage our wealth, to gain power - and then use that power to receive even more wealth! A perfect flywheel of concentration and power!

It is how it SHOULD be!

And yet… and yet!

Despite these elaborate machinations, despite decades of promising voter disengagement, I’ve been DEEPLY DISTURBED by the enormous participation of voters in this upcoming election season!!

Threatening reports of record-breaking early voting in some places have been a constant menace on my daily news report.⁶ Photos of proud people posting their visit to the polls, commenting on the camaraderie displayed by their community and volunteer poll workers, encouraging their friends to go to the polls.

What are you all doing?! There is not a single president on this ballot, and you INSIST on appearing!

Elections only matter every four years when a widely televised presidential campaign is ongoing. You are supposed to be ASLEEP for everything in between those elections!

If voters continue to attend EVERY election, there is just a chance that they will nominate leaders across the political body that represent THEIR OWN interests.

It… it cannot happen. A true democracy, ruled by the majority instead of by the oligarchy.

It can not! IT - MY GALL BLADDER!!

…excuse the abrupt interruption. My aides have acquired my smelling salts.

Now that I am, ahem, composed, I have one more reassurance that such an outcome is preventable.

You see, the average person cannot tolerate the ballot. Many do not even know what is on their ballot until the moment they arrive at the polls. The ballot itself comes with very limited information - a brief name, a party designation, and the position they are running for.

And this, THIS is what all the preparation and outrageously expensive campaigns are for. THIS moment.

The moment a voter must decide, at the polls, who they would choose with so little understanding of what is happening or who is running. They have arrived without having looked up a single fact!

And now comes the choice. He has committed to vote. His friends and family and community and ongoing onslaught of reminders have brought him here!

As he struggles with that decision, he claws back through his memory of any impression of any candidate worth latching on to for even a slight direction. He has by now, unwittingly, seen many yard signs, political ads, and heard so much discussion about our extremely well-funded candidate, that his mind believes that ANY way out of his predicament is a good thing.

And so he chooses. The very candidate we have conveniently sponsored all this time, all the while believing it was his own CHOICE.

Of course, the very EXPEDIENT citizen simply chooses based on one thing and one thing only - the party which they’ve voted for all their life. Regardless of what these people are doing, he has seen enough telly to know that the opposing side is nothing but lying, thieving, baby-cannibalizing wretches whose evil must be so pervasive, anyone with an R (or a D) next to their name cannot be tolerated.

It is an EXTREMELY effective strategy in managing the public. I cannot comment on whether the Featherbottoms were involved in this, that is HIGHLY classified!

And so, dear readers, you shall be able to sleep soundly tonight. For despite these uppity citizens INSISTING on voting despite every good reason I’ve provided here to NOT bother - they shall fall to the weight of the ballot!

…unless of course, they took the time to study it ahead of time.

GOOD GOD! Fetch my salts!!

The Office of Lord Featherbottom would like to conclude this letter on behalf of His Lordship, who has retired for the evening.